Psychotic Sea Mammal--pay attention

Look, asshat, I'm posting this here because I figure you're so obsessed that you're still checking blogs daily, if not hourly.

You (and you know who you are) need to knock it the fuck off. You had some friends, friends who actually kinda gave a shit, and put up with your eccentricities with a laugh and an indulgent shake of the head. But guess what?

YOU FUCKED IT UP!!

You. You ALONE fucked it up. You are NOT a victim, as you are undoubtedly telling yourself and anybody who will listen. You did this to YOURSELF, by acting like a lunatic. People who previously thought of you as a slightly odd, but sweet lonely old guy are now scared of you, disgusted by you, or are fervently praying for your demise.

Did you think it was normal to save other people's pictures off their sites? Personal pictures put up there for sharing, NOT for stealing... you took. You just took them and justified it in your paranoid little brain. Nobody was after you, EVER. You trolled and had fits worthy of a Tourette's sufferer, and we all just took it in stride, but that wasn't enough for you, was it?

Now you can't stand that the rest of us move on without you. What, did you think we'd part ways just because you had a meltdown? You never were the glue that held us together, though we're all really close now because of our joint hatred of your stupid ass. And you know what? If you want us to stop hating you, try quitting the destructive, obsessive, stalker shit. Get a hobby.

I hear cleaning loaded guns is great fun. Russian roulette with a semi-auto sounds like a blast, too.

Get right on that.

Not enough eyerolls in the world

HOW OLD IS THE GRAND CANYON? PARK SERVICE WON’T SAY — Orders to Cater to Creationists Makes National Park Agnostic on Geology

Washington, DC — Grand Canyon National Park is not permitted to give an official estimate of the geologic age of its principal feature, due to pressure from Bush administration appointees. Despite promising a prompt review of its approval for a book claiming the Grand Canyon was created by Noah's flood rather than by geologic forces, more than three years later no review has ever been done and the book remains on sale at the park, according to documents released today by Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility (PEER).

“In order to avoid offending religious fundamentalists, our National Park Service is under orders to suspend its belief in geology,” stated PEER Executive Director Jeff Ruch. “It is disconcerting that the official position of a national park as to the geologic age of the Grand Canyon is ‘no comment.’”

Check out the rest of the article here.

In order to avoid offending religious fundamentalists?!

How about a big ol' FUCK YOU. Is that "offensive"?? I certainly hope so.

The only people who don't think any kind of fundamentalists are absolutely looney are the fundies themselves. *sigh*

People confuse and annoy me

Why the hell would a woman go to the trouble to get completely dressed up, high heels and all, but leave her hair looking like it hasn't been brushed in days, and wearing not a speck of makeup? If the hair and face look like that, the least this person can do is throw on some old sweats and complete the look. Or, I dunno, spend 20 minutes fixing her hair and face to match the clothes. The effect she wound up with is almost dizzying. And very annoying. So much so, in fact, that I saw this strangeness nearly a week ago, and it's still bugging me enough to blog about it.

Season's Greetings... in the 21st century

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practice of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all… and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “AMERICA’ in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for him/herself or others, is void where prohibited by law, and is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

Shopping... (rant)

I went shopping today.

The fact that I stepped foot in a store that didn't exclusively sell groceries should tell you right now that I'm highly annoyed. I do my absolute best to stay out of the stores between Thanksgiving and Christmas, particularly on the weekends; however, due to circumstances largely beyond my control (I refuse to admit that I just forgot since last year how utterly horrific this experience is), I had to leave my cozy abode and brave retail reality.

Now, even once you've found yourself a parking spot--and can someone tell me why the nimrod in the Kia can't get their damn vehicle in ONE space, while I can park my motherfucking Suburban on the same amount of asphalt--you have to locate a cart that rolls straight and isn't sticky with some unknown, but undoubtedly disgusting, substance. (Really, what the hell do people do to these things? I bet these are the same cretins who never flush the toilet in a public restroom.)

Then you get to weave around people who feel perfectly justified in stopping in the middle of the aisle to chat with their friend/spouse/kid, who, often, isn't even IN the store with them, but on the other end of the damn cell phone that so many people seem to have permanently attached to their empty, pointed heads.

Would it be so hard for them to pull off into some less-used area? And, when they have to wriggle down some busy or narrow aisle, could they, indeed, park their cart somewhere out of the way and walk, instead of trying to, in essence, drive a Winnebago down a bike path?

Even once you find, or give up looking for, the things you want, you still have to deal with the asshats in the checkout line. Now, it doesn't matter whether you're in Neiman's or WalMart, some self-important prick will get in line, then decide they aren't really done shopping. Does this bastion of selfishness get back OUT of line? No. They leave their cart, often with offspring and/or a spouse guarding it, in line, while they go roaming the store in search of that "one quick thing" that invariably turns into an entire armload of crap. These are usually the same people who strike up conversations with the checker, instead of paying, loading up, and getting out.

Ahh, finally, you think. You've managed to get through the line, out the door, and all this inconsequential, over-priced, under-appreciated, Chinese-built crap loaded into your car. You've even successfully backed your vehicle from its parking space without using the MiniCooper, who was infringing on said space, as a speed bump.

You breathe a sigh of relief as you make your way across the parking lot to the driveway to exit this madhouse and get back on the road towards home. As you approach the exit, you notice that a queue has formed, and is getting longer by the second. At the very front of this line is a terrified individual who wants to make a left across a busy street. This person would very much like it if the local police department would come out, stop traffic and issue them an engraved invitation before they'll turn. Everyone else in line, which is now somewhere between fifteen and twenty, wants to turn right. But they can't, because the nutless wonder in the front has the whole driveway blocked.

Eventually, dear old no-testicle Ted, manages to find a satisfactorily large gap in the traffic, and gets his ass the hell out of the way. It takes the rest of you approximately 30 seconds to clear out, because you weren't all gutless bastards.

The point of this entire rant? I hate people, and I think it should be legal to tazer the fuck out of stupid, selfish people, especially during the holidays.

And I love my UPS guy who delivers countless boxes from Amazon.com to me with a smile, and who calls me "little lady" which, I suppose, should annoy me, but it doesn't.

Wow, long post. High school football and the HAKA!

All right, I was going to post about the recent high school championship football game between my boys, the Trinity Trojans, and the Carroll Dragons. Now, despite Carroll being geographically closer, I always have and always will "Back the Black" (Trinity's colors are black and red).

I was going to post this article but I think I'll just hit the high points.

The Trinity vs. Carroll game was played at Texas Stadium (home of the Dallas-motherfucking-Cowboys) in front of 46,339 people. This is a high school championship game. We take our football seriously, no shit. Forty-six thousand people. The only reason there weren't more was because the traffic was so tied up that many others couldn't even get near the stadium.

Trinity, sadly, lost 22-21 when those cheating assholes over at Carroll scored with 38 seconds to go. NO, I'm not over it. I've seen Carroll. Yeah, they obviously do pretty well for themselves, or they wouldn't have gotten to the championships, but I call bullshit somewhere. In fact, I'd like to take a good look at their recruiting practices. (Not that I'm bitter or anything.)

Carroll high school is in Southlake. Southlake? Try North Texas's version of Beverly Hills. Only nicer. Does Beverly Hills have a football team? OK, a good, nationally known, football team? Fuck no. And therein lies my point. Rich white kids don't make for kick-ass football teams. Yeah, I'm sure there are exceptions; I'm also sure that someone with a football up his ass will call me racist. (Why? No idea, but some people are so damn touchy.)

Now, as I was doing a bit o' research for this entry, I found some really interesting stuff pertaining to the boys in black:

[Let me preface this by saying that I've been to many, many Trinity football games. Their fans are fucking rabid (really, they make me look like a disinterested bystander). I've seen those guys do this ritual/dance thing before and after their games that absolutely gives me goosebumps. It's like...a celebration of testosterone. Yummy. Now I know all about that little pre- and post-game tradition, and it's absolutely fascinating.]

Apparently, Trinity's hometown of just under 53,000 residents, has a large population of immigrants from Tonga. We're talking 4,000 Tongan folks.

Twenty-four out of the ninety-three member football team are of Tongan descent. Those 24 weigh between 250 and 308 pounds, most stand over six feet tall, and are surprisingly quick and agile. Unsurprisingly, Trinity is widely known as the most physically large and intimidating high-school team in the area. After witnessing many games, I think it would be accurate to say that most teams are just hoping to survive to the end of the game, nevermind win. Trinity doesn't play dirty; they don't have to. They stand there, clad head-to-toe in black, do their war dance and have most rivals shaking in their cleats.

Now, to the ritual/dance that I mentioned. According to my recent research (including, but not limited to this article), it's known as the haka .

"The haka is more than 200 years old and originated with New Zealand's Maori people. Since then, it has been adopted by a number of Polynesian cultures, including that of Tonga."

The Trojans have only been performing the haka for two years and their coach initially figured it'd be a fad. It's caught on to a degree, though, that it looks like it's here to stay. In fact, Trinity fans have been seen wearing t-shirts asking, "Got Haka?". The team has performed the war dance for the other Tongan residents and been met with tears of pride. (I think it's worth mentioning, here, that the team performs this ritual towards their home-team stands, not in the middle of the field or towards the opposing team. Once you see the clip, you'll understand the reasoning.)

Sometimes, things are just too damn cool.

I couldn't find a clip of the Trojans doing their Haka, but there is one other team that regularly does this (none others, anywhere, at least not that I could find).

I give you the New Zealand All Blacks rugby team doing the haka before a game. Just imagine being an opposing high school football team and seeing ninety-three big-ass guys doing this while you're standing at the sidelines, shuffling your feet, and likely, praying.

HA! I found a freaky goat story...

Man Accused of Spray-Painting Three Goats
AP
MAHOPAC, N.Y. (Nov. 28) - A man broke into a barn on Thanksgiving morning, spray-painted three pet goats and scattered pages of pornographic magazines on the floor, apparently to harass the property owner, police said Tuesday.

Drew Gagnon, 37, of Mahopac, was arrested the next day and was charged with burglary, criminal trespass and animal cruelty, said Lt. Brian Karst, of the Carmel police force, which covers Mahopac. The man who drove Gagnon to the barn, Douglas Bisio, 34, of Mahopac, was charged with criminal facilitation, police said.

"Obviously it's not an occurrence you see every day," Karst said. "I think it was a situation where this harassment got out of hand."

He would not elaborate on past instances of harassment or what the feud involved but said the suspects were known to the property owner.

Gail Fiero, owner of the property on Croton Falls Road, about 50 miles north of midtown Manhattan, said of the goats, "They're our pets. We just want to put this behind us."

Karst said he did not know specifically how the goats were harmed, but The Journal News reported on its Web site that a veterinarian said the goats became sick after eating the magazine pages. The vet, Stacey Dallas, also said the orange paint was on their genitals and described the act as torture.

Gagnon and Bisio were released pending an appearance in Carmel Town Court. The court date had not been set as of Tuesday evening, and the court had no record of lawyers for the men. Gagnon's telephone number was unlisted, and there was no record of a phone for Bisio.

Most of the charges against the men carry punishments of up to a year in jail upon conviction.